Analyzation Paralyzation

When I was out my final meeting with our department a couple weeks ago, I completed the Birkman personality test.  This is only like the fourth personality test I have completed in the last year….as you well know if you are adopting from Colombia.  It stated that I react to losing control in a certain way……mostly my inability to make a decision to try to retain control.  They called it “analyzation paralyzation”… um, yeah, I would have to agree with that personality trait.  So it started last Tuesday….

We were in our “infant safety class” and about 10 minutes into the class, I started having a panic attack.   It was full on.  Baby M was kicking and punching my ribs combined with my general panic about becoming a parent, labor, and everything else that was slight irrational typical of *pregnancy panic*.    I excused myself from the table, went to the restroom and tried to regain my composure.  I swear I was in there for like 15 minutes.  I almost made my husband leave at the break, but we knew one of the couples, so I didn’t want to look like a wimp.   After we left the class I decided to give myself a 24 hour panic grace period, then pull it together.  And I did..keep it to 24 hours…pull it together..well it remains to be seen.  I did finally order most of our furniture for our nursery, but still getting there.  That was slightly therapeutic to make a decision and remove something from my plate.  Since I have no house, I am not exactly in a hurry.   I know it won’t get here before I go into labor, but neither will my kitchen cabinets.  So it is par for the course.

I often reflect on my anxiety issues and laugh.  I will be the first one to admit, getting pregnant was a long road, which in the end I couldn’t control (more on that later), I wanted it so badly…and now I am panicking?.  I just try every day, multiple times, to thank God for our daughter, my husband, our adoption, my friends (who gave me a great shower this weekend) and our life…in between panic attacks.